


You Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog

by Jackdaw816



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Dogs, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26472721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackdaw816/pseuds/Jackdaw816
Summary: Aliens come in all shapes and sizes. Even very familiar shapes and sizes
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	You Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog

**Author's Note:**

  * For [princessoftheworlds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessoftheworlds/gifts).



> This is based on a picture of my dog that I sent Nik and then the typo in her praise of my dog, I have no regrets, love you, Nik, please don't murder me

“Are you certain they’re friendly, Jack?” Gwen asked, hand straying nervously to the gun at her side. Ianto couldn’t blame her. They were in a field in the middle of bloody nowhere at three in the morning, supposedly to meet some alien delegation that had wanted to talk with Jack. Ianto didn’t trust aliens who just wanted to talk.

“Absolutely,” Jack said, beaming like a madman. “The Kallites are a very amiable race. They probably just want directions to a more civilized planet.” 

“Oi!” Gwen and Ianto said in unison. Jack chuckled.

“Civilized is a relative term,” he said placatingly. “Earth’s only a level 5 planet.” Ianto was about to ask by whose standards when the wind picked up, sending Jack’s coat fluttering majestically and Gwen’s hair into her face.

“Is that them?” Ianto asked, scanning the sky for any sign of a ship. Jack nodded.

“Where’s the ship?” Gwen asked, trying to smooth her hair as the wind died down. Ianto shone his torch around, but couldn’t spot a thing. No, wait, there was a faint shimmer, ten feet ahead of them and extending from the ground to about chest height.

“Oh, hello!” Jack called cheerfully. “Been a while since I’ve seen a cham pod. Let’s hope it doesn’t rain.” Ianto and Gwen shared a look, then resolutely turned their attention to the ‘cham pod’ as a hatch opened up and the Kallite ambassador came out to meet them.

“That’s a dog,” Gwen said rather obviously. Indeed, the Kallite looked like an average Earth canine, a hound of some sort. It was fairly large, its coat a mix of black and brown with a white chest and paws. Its fur was sleek and as it padded through the grass to them, Ianto noticed its tail was pure black and wagging happily. 

“Only in appearance,” Jack warned. “Don’t try to pet her. It’s very offensive.” Gwen clenched her fist and Ianto knew she wanted nothing more than to pet-

“Her?” Ianto asked.

“Yup!” Jack said, squatting and offering his hand, palm out, to the Kallite. “This is Ambassador Ma’gret of the Kallites. We’ve met before.” Ma’gret leaned in, sniffed Jack’s hand, then let out a happy bark. Ianto was fairly certain he was dreaming. Alien hounds. Next, there’d be an alien poodle.

Ma’gret scratched at her neck with her back paw and it was then that Ianto noticed she had on a collar. A very nice collar, purple with large polka dots, but a collar all the same. It even had tags! Ianto was even more certain that he was dreaming now.

“Jack, are you sure about this?” Ianto asked. Jack nodded. Ma’gret stopped scratching and turned her soulful brown eyes onto Ianto.

“Apologies,” A voice issued from the collar, and Ianto almost jumped. “I’d forgotten to have Py’pir turn on my translator.” Jack grinned broadly while Gwen and Ianto just blinked in shock.

“How is your sister?” Jack asked friendly like he wasn’t talking to a dog. Ma’gret’s tail wagged.

“Just fine, Captain. Although it has been many years since we’ve seen you.” Jack nodded, his smile never dropping.

“You haven’t aged a day,” Jack flattered. The laugher that filtered through the translator was strange but still gleeful.

“I can assure you, we have,” Ma’gret said. She cocked her head, tags on her translator jingling. “But you haven’t.”

“You are wise beyond your ears, Ma’gret,” Jack said, smile turning bitter. Ianto frowned. He hated seeing Jack pained by his immortality. Then the other part of Jack’s statement filtered to his brain.

“Don’t you mean years?” he corrected. Ma’gret gave him the most condescending look a dog could muster.

“No,” she replied slightly, then turned her attention back to Jack. “I’m glad to see you. But I’m afraid this must be a short visit. Py’pir and I were on our way to Dogworld for business, but we seem to have gotten a bit turned around. Do you think you could give us directions?” Jack gave Ianto and Gwen an ‘I told you so’ look, then smiled at Ma’gret.

“Of course. You’re in the right galaxy, but you’re about sixty lightyears away.” Jack flipped open his vortex manipulator and projected a holographic star map. The pair discussed for a moment using terms that Ianto was fairly certain shouldn’t exist in their time, but then Ma’gret nodded cheerfully.

“Thank you,” She trotted forward a few steps then licked Jack’s face. Ianto felt the tiniest surge of jealousy, then quashed it. He would not be jealous of a _dog_ , even an alien dog. That would be a new low. “I hope to see you again.” Ma’gret looked them all over, tail still thumping happily, then turned and dashed back to her ship.

The hatch closed and they all watched as the shimmer faded, the wind blowing fiercely again. Then there was nothing but silence before Gwen started laughing. Jack looked at her curiously, but Ianto joined in.

“That was an alien dog!” Gwen wheezed out. “How does a dog even drive a spaceship? They don’t have hands!” That sent her and Ianto into another peal of laughter while Jack shook his head.

“Some of them do,” Jack said seriously. The laughter petered off and they looked at him quizzically. “Seriously. The planet they’re heading to, Dogworld? That’s home to a race of alien poodles with human hands.” Ianto threw his hands up in the air.

“That’s it, I give up,” Ianto said, only half-joking. “Everything you say is such a pack of lies, Jack Harkness.” His tone was teasing though and so Jack smiled. “Fucking alien poodles, nope, I’m definitely dreaming.” Ianto reached out and took Gwen’s arm. “C’mon, Gwen, let’s go. Maybe we’ll wake up having gotten a full night’s sleep for once.” Gwen laughed and let Ianto drag her away in the direction of the SUV.

“I’m not joking,” Jack called after them. “The sky’s pink! It’s actually kinda cute.” The only response was more laughter, growing steadily quieter with distance. Jack pouted, then took off after them.“Hey, don’t leave me here! I promise I’ll shut up about the poodles!”

**Author's Note:**

> Ma'gret and Py'pir are basically my dogs, Kallie (Kalliope Margaret) and Piper (Piper Pippi Longstockings) and I love them so much
> 
> Dogworld and the human-handed poodles are real DW canon that I learned about a few months ago ~~and died instantly upon obtaining that knowlege~~ and I'm so glad I had an excuse to use them in a fic ~~also never tell John about that planet~~


End file.
